I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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