sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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