My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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