feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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