if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
