well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
