today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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