Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
