One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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