i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
