Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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