2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
