Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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