I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
