I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
