I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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