My friends, they love my intelligence
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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