You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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