I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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