Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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