He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
