Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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