He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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