I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
