our cab driver is having phone sex.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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