I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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