I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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