my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
