I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
is that a dick in a sweater?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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