...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
