hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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