when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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