I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
