i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
