I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
