I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dignity is for republicans.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
