***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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