I can text with my tongue
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
