i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
