ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
