The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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