Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
