Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
