she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
