I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
