the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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