I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
