stop calling my apartment porn island.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
