You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
