No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
