Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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