awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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